It has been an entire college semester since I last posted an entry. This past semester was a lot more challenging than I ever thought it would be, not only academically but emotionally, physically, and especially spiritually.
I want to use this entry to share with my church small group how much they have meant to me this semester. For everyone else I guess I should explain that Devotions In the Spiritual Closet refers to this group. With only 3 or 4 more weeks of group left we finally came up with this group name. This group was a perfect example of what a church considers to be a "good problem": with our group the youth group had expanded to having more small groups than there were rooms for them to meet! Even the table-in-the-gym option was already taken by two other groups. So we got the storage closet. No carpet, no tables (except those stacked up around us), no heat, and no room for us unless we moved other stuff out of the way each week.
I have been intimidated by teenagers my whole life. Sadly, this was true even when I was one, and is sometimes true now that I am older than that. For some reason, church teenagers were the worst. It would seem that church teens should be different from the rest because they were supposedly Jesus-lovers and always wore the WWJD bracelets. I fell victim to this fad, too, and had several of these bracelets in various colors to match my various outfits. But how many people actually had a life change because of the WWJD fad? None that I knew of. The teens in my own youth group still managed to gossip about one another, hold grudges against each other, had a lack of interest in the Bible, and always, ALWAYS picked a day at the lake over a service project. I would like to think I was the exception, but I occasionally fit each one of those scenarios. I became very disillusioned by this age group, and never felt safe with them or truly accepted by them.
I knew Michael had a calling to youth ministry when we started dating. I knew this was still true when we got married. But somehow . . . I guess I thought it would not mean that I had to get involved with teens just because he was. I thought that I could focus on another ministry in the church while his was the youth. I even thought this was what was going to happen when Michael and I started attending our church in Nampa. The problem was, I couldn't find the "other ministry" I thought was meant for me. I tried choir, attended Sunday School, and tried to work up the guts to attend women's outings when I didn't know anybody. Meanwhile Michael had become very involved in the worship team and the youth group.
I would cry every Sunday, and usually nobody saw it. I hated the church. I blamed the church members for not making more of an effort to get to know me and include me. I blamed everyone else for my shy nature and my insecurities. My past experiences with social phobia and depression became real again when I was at church. I
knew this was not the church for me. Nobody there wanted me. Nobody there would even notice if I stopped coming. So I stopped coming. When I did come it was out of guilt that I wasn't accompanying my husband to church. And I never doubted that
he belonged there.
A couple times I attended one of the youth small groups. I would be physically sick all morning before, knowing that I was going to be surrounded by members of a church that had not accepted me, and to make it even worse, these members were teenagers!!! I had no idea how to relate to teenagers. I was terrified that they would see through me and see the incredible faith struggles and doubts I had been through for the past two years. Michael wanted to go into ministry. To me this meant that I had to be a perfect Christian pastor's wife who was always strong and had all of the answers. But I felt too weak to try to hold up this facade in front of the youth group. I knew I would break down and everyone would feel sorry for Michael and his poor weak-Christian wife.
All of you who are from my small group and are reading this: Thank you for proving me wrong.
From the first time I visited a small group, I noticed something different in these teens. They
cared about each other and they cared about their faith. They were real with each other. Maybe you guys know that there may have been other things going on underneath the surface, but this is how you came across to me. You guys were literally
light to my life. I knew I had to keep coming. The problem was, the other parts of my life became more and more emotionally draining as well, and I did not feel strong enough to keep coming. I freaked out when I realized Michael wanted me to help him lead one of these small groups. Wouldn't I be more of a hindrance than a teacher to these guys? They seemed to have stronger faith than I did. What would they do if they learned how weak I was?
Every Sunday that I did not go to church Michael would come home and tell me about a specific person or two that had told him they missed me.
Missed me, even though I had hardly given them the chance to know me. Of the adults I had tried to interact with at the church, none of these people ever noticed when I was gone. It was astounding to me that teenagers would notice and miss
me. So I tried even harder to get myself to go the next week. And the next. Finally I was attending almost regularly. Almost. Michael loved that I was trying so hard to support him. I loved the people in my small group. You guys did not make me feel like I had to be anyone but myself. If I was quiet that day, it was okay with you. If I felt like talking, you never made me feel like I was talking too much. Some of you approached me to say hello and ask how I was doing, even though I had never had the guts to approach you first. None of the adults had come up to me and asked how I was doing and actually wanted to hear a true answer. But you guys did. I learned that I did not have to hide any weaknesses from you. I sensed that you would have no problem accepting my weaknesses. You seemed to accept each other's weaknesses as well.
I had a blast last week when we all went out for dinner and a movie. You guys are awesome. Thank you for giving me a good reason to want to stay, even if I can't! I am so sad to leave just when I was finally feeling comfortable enough to get to know you. You guys have taught me so much about people. And I bet you don't have a clue of what you did for me. Maybe if I had been there for a few more months I would have been able to tell you in group. Each one of you made an impression on my life, each in your own way. I had been ready to give up on churches altogether; I had lost my faith in church-goers. You guys gave me a hope that churches do still have people in them that are accepting of outsiders! No wonder your youth group has grown so much larger than mine ever was!
Michael says that I better say something for him, rather than ramble only about myself. :) He says he is going to miss you all so much! I know that's only a few words compared to my several paragraphs, but for a guy, that's quite a bit (sorry guys if that isn't true for you . . . ). And I know he thinks each one of you is awesome, and you guys have strengthened his calling to continue ministering to youth.
We love you! We hope God blesses you tons as you finish up your school year! Be open to His plans for your summer. You can never regret doing God's will. You just can't!
love, Michael and Wendy
Lebanon has once again sucked back in some of its residents who tried to leave. Well, I guess it had it easy this time because we never meant to leave permanently. The longterm goal may be to move to Albany or Salem area, but for now, we're hanging out in Lebanon. Michael's awesome sister and brother-in-law have opened their home to us while we try to get settled as far as jobs and locating our future residence. 
